I received some nifty and very Layla-relevant gifts under the tree this year.
My sister gave me, among other lovely stuff, The Action Heroine’s Handbook, which as you can see fits right into my Layla plan. It has handy tips on things like going undercover as a beauty queen, how to choke a man with your bare thighs, how to outrun a fireball, how to pop a nose wheelie on a motorcycle and – my own favorite – how to fend off the undead. I really think I’ll be testing some of the book’s advice, and per usual I’ll report back in this blog on my subsequent success and/or injuries and arrest.
The stuff my brother gave me was of course way cool. There was a LED headlamp that’s definitely better and brighter than the girlie blue one I have now. It’s also in black and silver, the better to accessorize my new black field vest with pockets. “You need your hands free if you’re going climb buildings!” he advised as I tried on the vest and headlamp, and he should know since he’s an experienced mountain climber. (Layla of course wears a headlamp in a couple scenes in The Compass Master; I now see why she should also wear a vest with handy pockets.)
My brother also gave me a miniature and ridiculously powerful LED flashlight, and since I tested it on him I can confirm that it would be very good at temporarily blinding anyone who’s coming at me in the dark. And, finally, in a perfect complement to my expanding Layla wardrobe, he gave me a black wool cap/hood, the kind you see on bad or good guys in the movies or TV shows when they’re breaking into a place or on real-life criminals when they show up on security cameras. My brother even showed me how I can wear it as an innocent-seeming black hat, but then when I’m secretly getting into a building I just have to pull it down over my face so that only my mouth and eyes are visible.
Sometimes I wonder how my brother spends his spare time.
In summation, I had a pretty good Christmas this year. I’d like to thank Southwest for finding my luggage and getting it to me a couple days after I’d arrived at my Mom’s house. By then I was feeling pretty gamey so it was nice to have a change of clothing. I’d also like to thank my Mom for ignoring me when I was in a pissy mood because Southwest lost my bag. And I thank her because she gave me too many gifts. These included a large tin of cookies (or as I call it, Ass Fat), which she thinks I should eat all by myself because – bless her heart! – she has always believed that I’m too thin and can eat anything I want without gaining an ounce.
Hell, the last time that was true I was eleven years old. If I ever find a photo of me at that age showing off my toothpick legs, pointy dorky glasses, and goofy grin, I’ll post it here. It’s good for a laugh.
Happy New Year, y’all.