My job review is coming up pretty soon. That’s nothing to get excited about ’cause I have an office job, and you know what that means. I sit at a desk and work on a computer and with papers and files. Just like a gazillion other drones. And I’m grateful for my job.
But what I’d much rather do is sit in on a job review for an AGING action hero. ‘Cause if I hafta get older, then so does Jennifer Garner-Alias/ Jane Bond / Lara Croft / Nikita/ Mila. I wanna see how those ladies perform when they get well into middle age, comme moi.
PERFORMANCE REVIEW FOR FEMALE AGENT
Able to utilize martial arts, parkour, and gymnastics training to full effect. However, the employee’s visits to a chiropractor and physical therapist have increased significantly, adding to firm’s overhead expense.
Employee is still maintaining high body count in shoot-out situations with multiple attackers. In fact, employee often shoots more of the enemy than is strictly necessary. We may wish to consider psychiatric review of employee for possible latent hostilities or PMS symptoms.
Employee is still capable of handling any firearm with keen marksmanship. However, it appears that she must now wear reading glasses when using a scope in a sharpshooter situation. This might become a liability.
Employee is still capable of handling all makes and types of vehicles. However, rather than riding assigned motorcycles or racecars “full throttle” as directed, she has visibly “slowed down” and complains about “reckless” younger drivers in the firm.
Employee has been requesting that the firm pay for “minor” plastic surgery and laser treatments in order to appear younger and more seductive when on assignment. She has been informed that, rather than relying on her appearance and sexual allure to manipulate male targets, she may now be better suited to missions in which her physical attributes are irrelevant. Employee did not take this suggestion well.
On at least one occasion the employee had been directed to slip several sleeping tablets into the drink of the male enemy target. However, the employee was overheard as describing the target as “hot” and instead “accidentally” slipped him tablets of Viagra. The employee later claimed that she had simply failed to wear her reading glasses when choosing the tablets from her supply.
SUMMARY OF FINDINGS: Continued employment of employee is recommended, but with the caveat that she be “eased” into less physically strenuous missions and given more oversight. Also, we believe the firm would be well advised to restrict her access to firearms and medications.